Becoming Bill Murray

Dear Dude Who Decided To Make Minnesota's Official Nickname "The Gopher State,"

I hate you.

Thanks to you, gophers now consider Minnesota a safe home. They flock here, invite their little gopher families to come and make their homes here. Sure, they have plenty of enemies in the state, but they see that name, "The Gopher State," see the University of Minnesota nickname itself the Gophers, and they view the Land of 10,000 lakes as a safe haven and go rush to get their one-way, Northwest Airlines ticket to Minneapolis.

Now they all live in my &%$@! yard.

You might consider this a good thing. You look at their little feet and how they quickly scurry their tubelike bodies along the ground and you think, "AAAWWW!" But make no mistake: Gophers are nothing but single-minded, selfish, destructive yard terrorists bent on turning lawns across the state into their own personal Habitrails: digging tunnels, building mounds, opening 7-Elevens, holding weeklong garage sales that bring in annoying, slow-driving traffic.

My personal little yard terrorists moved in some time in the last couple of weeks, turning my flat yard into the Grand Canyon (if it were next to the Rocky Mountains). It took me three days to mow the thing, because I got lost three times in the valley that once was my front lawn.

So now I can lace my entire ground, the one my 4-year-old son plays in, with poisonous chemicals that probably look like Cheese-Its; use traps that employ fast moving sharp objects that probably look like shiny, attractive children's toys; or do my best Bill Murray impersonation and blow the whole yard up.

And seriously, gophers? Why not mice or rats? Or bats? Sure the gophers were plentiful here, but so are Mosquitoes, deer and Norwegians. And why not just try to get some pest we don't have. We could have called it the "Fire Ant State: or "The State Where Australian Brown Snakes Are Welcome!"

So thank you Mr. Gopher Lover. I hope you're happy. And when I find my little terrorist, I'm sending him to you. Alive.

Sincerely:

Me.

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This is the part where I beg you to click a link. Um ... Should I assume the position?