DD's marriage advice: learn to read (looks)
The Wife is female. I know this by experience -- I was there when she gave birth, meaning that she is definitely female or the doctor was either an illusionist or one helluva special effects artist. And like all female wives, mine has no need for words or even gestures to communicate.
She just has an arsenal of looks.
For instance, she has a look that says "I'm extremely angry with you right now," (though it'd probably be more accurate to toss in a few four-letter words and an exclamation point). She has another that says "I'm groaning at that off-color joke you made but inside I'm laughing my butt off." And she has one that asks "Why are you standing there naked?"
Then she has the "Don't Treat My Parents That Way" look, the ever-popular "Come to Bed" look and the not-so-popular "What the HELL is This Thing in the Laundry" look. The look that scares me the most, however, is the non-look, the one in which she just doesn't look at me at all. That's the one that typically results in a long, steady stream of compliments, back rubs, housework and groveling from yours truly. (The non-look means I'm in trouble, but it's worse than the "I'm extremely angry" look because it's just so mysterious.)
I'm pretty sure that all wives have these looks and that they teach them in Wife School. Unfortunately, they do not teach guys how to respond to these looks in Husband School, leaving poor me to learn the look language on my own. Fortunately, I'm a fast learner -- especially when it comes to the looks that require immediate up-sucking.
And, after 10 years of marriage, I've learned to make a game out of at least two of these looks.
I spend much of my waking life grossing The Wife out through a wide selection of body-related comments and bodily functions -- because I'm male and I have to take pride in accomplishing something around the house.
She has two looks that indicate the level to which she is displeased in the disgusting act or comment in question. My goal in life is to get her to make the less severe "That's Disgusting" look (which usually comes with rolled eyes and a groan) without receiving the "You're Repulsive" look (which comes only with a glare and means I'm in trouble).
For instance, blowing snot out of my nose in public would get me the "You're Repulsive" look, and thus I don't do it, but emerging from the bedroom on Saturday morning and declaring, "I have to readjust my wiener" will get me the former look and I can declare victory.
Still, it's also important not to overdo the lesser disgusting things because that will push the Disgusting look into Repulsive territory. (For those of you who are curious, the jockstrap and bra posts on this blog both earned me hilarious That's Disgusting looks.)
The Wife has yet to develop her "I Didn't Appreciate Your Blog Post" look, or maybe I'm just in denial, but I'm sure it's on its way.
I'll probably get it tomorrow.
In the meantime, take your own look at humor-blogs.com.
18 What is he talking about???:
Dude, I thought it said reading books. Phew! Glad its just looks. I play poker a lot so I am getting quite good at reading people...its caring where I struggle ;) Dugg my soul brother! Good stuff.
she's a gonna kickie yo ass!
i can't wait to read her post on the things that earn you the various looks.
Remember DD - Once you think you have them figured out, there will always be a new look to throw you off.
We have more looks in our arsenal than you could aver imagine.
I always have the "that was a funny blog post" look after visiting you. Do you know what that look looks like?
Hmmm I am trying to think if my wife has any looks and I cannot come up with any. Maybe I am in denial also. She usually just don't talk to me when she gets really pissed.
the first rule in trying to understand women is to not understand women
My wife has no less than 27 looks. I am sometimes the instigator, trying to see which look she'll sport.
Haha. They don't teach the looks anywhere. It's just an instinctive talent that all women have. Kind of like how men can burp the alphabet or fart on cue. Except our talent is actually useful.
Oh, the joys of marriage. My husband is constantly trying to convince me that all men are gross, but I still think he takes the cake. And, I probably have 7 gross-out looks.
While I read your post, I gave my laptop the "I know exactly what this fellow member of the male species is saying w.r.t. the looks his wife gives him" look. And I'm divorced! I guess we were male bonding.
As for blowing snot out your nose, tell your wife that my teenage daughter wouldn't take offense - out on the soccer field, she and her teammates blow snot rockets all the time.
Just be glad she's still looking at you at all...
She's got the blog post look. But, as you have probably learned, looks occur a split second after the action that caused the look. That means, lucky for you, the computer is the recipient of the look rather than you.
What is her look that says "Why are you wearing my bra?"
The dirty looks are one thing.
It's the soul-searing telepathic messages that do me in.
I love surprising hubby with a new look. bwahahahaha. That 'what the HELL is that' look in return is just stinkin priceless. ;)
I'm still waiting to him to figure out the difference between the "I actually don't care" look and the "I'm saying I don't care but I really do look".
Us females are vicious creatures sometimes.
LOL - 'wife school' and 'husband school'- there should be an exchange program halfway through the semester so that we can all get a closer look at what's in store for us.
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